Pacquiao still got some heart

This is the full Onion article lol.

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too–big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, then I've got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife–even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things to get them to stop, but it has all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, neck, chest and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures–like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.

 

With all the talk about the bible, google Ancient Bible found in Turkey dated between 1500 to 2000 years ago!

 

That's a really cool discovery trot...I wonder how the Vatican and Christians are going to explain that one lol

 

What's to explain, just because something is older don't make it the truth. Hinduism is one of the oldest religions yet that don't change the minds of hundreds of millions of other religions from their beliefs. Just like people say about Christianity, the same thing could be said about this new book, written by man..... Christianity revolves around Jesus Christ therefore anything predating him doesn't change anything when it comes to the minds of Christians.

 

That's the flaw with Christianity, it didn't start fresh with Jesus. Jesus was sent as a continuation of principles that were around long before him. Christians seem to forget that Jesus himself was a Jew and followed what most would consider traditional Jewish teachings and laws. The problem with most forms of religion is that people base what they believe off what other people have told them

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All religions are based that way not just Christianity. Teachings that's are passed down from others. Lol I don't think any Christian doesn't know that Jesus was a jew. INRI doesn't mean I'm nailed right in..

 

People can believe whatever bulls@$! They want lol...I just dont realize why people base their whole lives around it yet no archeological evidence exists...seems mighty trustworthy of people lol

 

Inconsistency after inconsistency

 

That's why they call if faith. Not science.

 

Yet no one can still prove it to be false. Go figure...

 

You must be one of those who believe you came from an ape.

South Park - Mr.Garrisons Evolution Theory - YouTube

 

No what I mean is instead of studying and learning things, most just believe stuff because someone told them. If the pastor says it then it's the truth to them. Why do Christians not follow the feast days and celebrations when it is expressly said by Jesus that we should. That's my point, if people would read the Bible they would see that alot of things are different when you read it in its entirety instead of reading one verse. People will quote one verse out of one chapter as a response to something that the verse had nothing to do with, how fucking dumb would we consider someone that did that with any other book.

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Yes...I do believe in evolution...theres actual evidence for it

 

Well then why aren't apes still evolving into people? Talk about inconsistency.

 

It's not about believing or basing your whole life around it.

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The reason why evolution cannotbe totally proven is because we arent around long enough to observe through the whole process..most scientists believe in it lol...you must be one of those people that believe the world is 6000 years old

 

Well, I can't speak for those people, I go by what I've read myself not what my pastor tells me. I use him to better understand certian aspects but thats about it. I'm not saying there isn't holes in the stories, I believe I already posted that I can see that there are. There's also plenty of holes in the theory of evolution. No one really knows, at least to date or we would all believe in the same thing.

 

Thats like buying a Ch dog just because someone you it was...someone you never met and you couldnt verify any of it lol

 

You think a dogman would be more skeptical...wouldnt you?

 

I do not, a visit to any museum in the world can easily show someone the world is older than that. So are you saying scientist are always correct? I can remeber being taught pluto was a plant, the difference is, science is always changing and things we thought are true end up being changed when new evidence is presented or studies done. Religion has stayed the same since the different bibles have been wrote.