Whodunnit? The pit bull, maybe

Fernandina Beach,FL -- A woman was recently mauled to death by pit bull dogs. The howling started immediately. First came the ban-them-all crowd. The protectionist nannies would outlaw anything that could result in the slightest injury. Ping-Pong included. On the other side are the mouth breathers who insist the dang things aren't dangerous, despite their tendency to attack with a bloody ferocity that would intimidate a Great White Shark.

But what about all the other mutts out there? Are they really all furry, lovable, Frisbee-chasing companions who consider us part of the extended dog family? Or are there darker secrets they don't want us to learn? What exactly is your poodle thinking when you torment him with a piece of bacon he really, really wants, and then eat it yourself? Did you ever stop to think that maybe your golden retriever secretly wishes you were an obsessive-compulsive dog and he was the guy in charge of the tennis balls?

I did some highly scientific research and learned that the Murderers Row of the canine world has some interesting and unlikely inmates. Consider:

~~ Inmate Number 5507-401. Barney the Beagle, aka The Sidewalk Choker. For some strange reason, Barney's human companion put the other end of the leash around his own neck while walking Barney. After enduring years of painful yanks on the leash and embarrassing shouts of, "Barney, heel!" the 46-pound hound finally got even. Cause of death: Strangulation.

~~ Inmate Number 3340-287. Slim Jim the Jack Russell Terrier, aka The Breakstone Mangler. You've seen the Breakstone Cottage Cheese commercials on television. Old man Breakstone runs out of his store cussing and fussing at the delivery guy about something. Then the little Jack Russell Terrier runs out and latches onto the grouchy old fart's pants leg. In the commercial, old man Breakstone pulls off his fedora and swats away the annoying pooch. In real life, an enraged Slim Jim gnaws off the cottage cheese mogul's leg at the knee. Cause of death: Hemorrhage.

~~ Inmate Number 5507-221. Schultz the Dachshund, aka Tripper. This one was actually a double homicide. Schultz teamed up with longtime crime pal Louie the Labrador, Inmate Number 7797-663. Louie and Schultz caused their female owner to fall to her death down the stairs of their Bellaire mansion. Schultz wrapped himself like a pretzel around her feet. Louie bounded down the stairs from behind and plowed into her. Both canines were heirs to their mistress's millions but the cat, cleared in any part of the conspiracy, inherited it all. Cause of death: Blunt trauma.

~~ Inmate Number 7797-663. Louie the Labrador, aka You Fetch the Freakin' Tennis Ball This Time, Jack. See previous listing for Schultz the Dachshund.

~~ Inmate Number 99745-886. Pierre the Poodle, aka Candy Man. A very bizarre murder-suicide out of a very bizarre place, Southern California. Pierre and his owner took a little trip together. Said trip included peyote buttons, prescription drugs and a hike into the desert. Both Pierre and his human companion had been in therapy together for years. Contacted at his La Jolla clinic, the therapist said he warned both patients that their relationship had become self destructive. Said therapist bore a striking resemblance to the late Dr. Timothy Leary. Cause of death: Poly-substance overdose.

~~ Inmate Number 4465-001. Sassy the Border Collie, aka The Shaggy Temptress. It was a well-known fact that Sassy's owner, Farmer John, worked her too hard. Not only that, she was increasingly irritable and tired of getting bleated at by goats and kicked around by cows. Sassy was in heat and used her feminine wiles to bribe three other farm dogs - Clem the Mastiff, a half-breed, half sane Rottweiler named Corn Pone and a vicious Pug named Lester - to do the dirty deed for her. Cause of death: Unknown. Farmer John's body has never been located.

The most vicious attack was when 23 Labrador retrievers off-ed their master and a police officer who intervened. Known only as the Labrador 23 because they were never captured, these mutts took revenge on their master, a Wisconsin duck hunter who forced them to retrieve, no matter how cold the water. They forced him into a lake at shotgun point early one morning, as well as a cop who tried to dissuade them with doggie treats. Cause of death: Drowning.

You never know who's fetching your slippers.

http://www.fbnewsleader.com/articles/2007/10/15/opinion/00editajoepalmer.txt

 

the lighter side of the day. thanks bud.