How to train your human (joke)

Human beings are large, clumsy animals with extremely poor night
vision that make a lot of noise. However, they live in
weather-proof homes, and are easily trained.

CHOOSING YOUR HUMAN: Humans don't realize this, but we choose which
humans to live with, and which ones to avoid. Avoid humans who start
sneezing when we get close. They are allergic to us. Also avoid
ones that try and kick us. A good human will bend down and reach
out to scratch an ear and start saying something stupid like "nice
kitty kitty." The trick is to get inside the human's home to see if
they have a suitable environment for one of our superior species.

GETTING CARRIED AROUND: While walking to one's destination is
preferable, it is nevertheless fun to be picked up and carried around
by a human, because this provides a much loftier view of things.
Female humans are more likely to pick you up. They will try and
scratch your belly, so arch your back and they will reach under you.
For some reason, most humans instinctively pick us up at that point.

GETTING FED ON TIME: Humans are somewhat erratic in their eating
habits, but this must not be allowed to conflict with our getting
fed exactly on time every day. Pick a time, usually at 5 in the
morning, and insist on being fed. Vocalize your hunger, and if
necessary, wake the human up. Initially, the human will throw you
outside, thinking you've received a call from Nature. But in a week
or two they will catch on and get the food out on time.

GETTING THE RIGHT FOOD: Unfortunately modern humans are inept at
hunting, thus they purchase all their food. Generally, they buy
things in cans, bags or boxes to feed us. They should eat this stuff.
As long as you have an adequate supply of naturally obtained food
(i.e. tasty little mice) the appropriate training regime is to walk
up to the bowl of this awful processed food, sniff at it, walk around
the bowl a few times, and then decamp to your favorite perch for a
nice little nap. A few days of this, and the human begins to feel
guilty about you starving. Eventually they will produce something
moderately edible. If, by chance, something really good turns up,
make sure you let the human know this is preferred to the dry
crunchy stuff.

NAPPING SITES: Human dwellings are just full of nice little places
to nap, such as window sills, the tops of dressers, inside closets,
under couches, whatever. Many of these places, however, will
initially be places the human thinks they have control over. You must
disabuse them of this territoriality as soon as possible. Typically,
if the human finds you in a place they think is theirs, they will
grab you and toss you. An exciting moment of flying through the air.
Go back. After a while the human will mutter "stupid kitty," and
leave you alone.

OTHER CATS: Some humans are excessively fond of our companionship,
and thus attempt to bring more than one of us into their home.
Remember, first one inside is king (or queen). Humans don't like the
sound of our displeasure being voiced at an intruder, but they will
rarely do anything about it. It is nice to have a few companions
around, provided the human increases the food supply.

THE LITTER BOX: Most humans are fairly conscientious about cleaning
out the litter box with adequate frequency. However, some humans will
accidentally lock us in a room, or forget to clean the litter box
often enough. We all know what we do to the human on that occasion,
don't we.

GIFTS: Humans don't think they are animals, so they don't understand
gifts. Don't bother. Keep the mouse for yourself.

EXPRESSING AFFECTION: The deal is we get a free place to live that
is dry and warm, and adequate food, in exchange for once in a while
recognizing the human exists and letting it touch us. Humans like
to hear us purr, because they think that is our way of saying we're
happy. They have no idea. Don't get too stand-off-ish as the human
will not understand, and become anxious. A calm human is a reliable
human when it comes to dinner.

NAMING: Humans immediately give us stupid little names. If you don't
like the name, act deaf. Once they pick a name you like, then respond.
If the human is really nice to you, and understands our language, then
tell them your true name.

CONCLUSION: Humans are much easier to train, then, for example, their
stupid dogs.