Drunk Texting

Drunk Texting
Read only if you have the time.
A tracker monitor from Verizon Wireless retrieved these.
The # in parenthasis is the area code from which they came from.

(613): She was blowing me and I farted, she gave me a high five and kept going.

(740): I would plow her like an Amish guy supporting his family

(330): Why did I make a hit list last night containing only McDonald's?
(sent) you tried to order a margarita McFlurry and when they said they
didn't make those you tried to call 911.

(831): I just had a conversation with my cat in the shower about pancakes.
We both like them a lot.

(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding
floor. explanation? ... (rec'd): you said they were your minions of evil
that protected you from ferrets.

(702): I just woke up naked and covered in skittles. Best night ever?

(303): (sent): DUDE! MY MOM GOT TAKEN BY ALIENS! (rec'd): lol wtf? (sent):
don't LOL. its 3am and shes not home. this has NEVER happened! (rec'd): its
cool i just got a txt from them saying she'll be home tmro. (sent): UR A
F*CKIN LIAR! they cant speak english dumbass! (rec'd): iPhone translation.
there's an app for that.

(215): I got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the
fiction section.

(401): I just woke up in a tent with this girl, sat there for 15 minutes
trying to remember her name, when she woke up she said "Hi, I'm ashley." I
think I'm in love!

(330): "I'm textn and bang'n your sister right now, how many points do I
get?" Recv'd back: "you motherfucker"...Replied: "She's next."

(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random
people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him
while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me
you're sober now

(570): Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til i google
all over your facebook?

(608): She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered
"Simba"

(303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of
every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

(604): you were about to get laid, but on your way to the bedroom you saw a
Burger King paper crown. You ditched the girl and pranced around my house
yelling "I AM FOOFY, KING OF THE SEALS!"

(919): I just punched a cop in the face while dancing in a parking lot, its
ok, it was my stepdad and he bought me more beer cause he said he didn't
want to ruin "what looked like a good night"

(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins
you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an
invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

(732): You sent me 45 texts saying "meow".

(937): Had sex with a girl and when I was about to cum... I pulled out and
shoved it in her mouth... she said...how did you know I liked that...
keeper???

(330): "which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE
thirteen?" sent:"Neither, because it's twelve."

(337): She told me that for my birthday, she would get the word "HARDER"
tattooed on her lower back. I love this girl.

(303): I was wondering why the cops were making such a big deal then I
realized I was naked

(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with
michael phelps.

(316): omg bring my wallet when you come get me tonight. i'm buying a
fucking giraffe.

(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they
ever crashed

(630): Received: "Who did I fuck last night, cuz my bed smells like her
perfume. She smells niceeeeee." Sent: "Im still here, just in the living
room playing Xbox360. you smell good too."

(703): (recieved) I wish I was a penguin. (sent) Why? (recieved) because
then I would look like I'm wearing a tuxedo 100% of the time, and that's
classy.

(818): she started singing "eye of the tiger" mid-fuck...

(248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now
Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

(402): This is NO TIME for pants!

(770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the
kitchen trying to make spaghetti.

(304): my dad just found tit marks on my windshield LOL

(775): "before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with
smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own
brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal."

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm
terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (rec'd): Just
tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

(303): i found you in the kitchen naked, eating ice cream and ramen, and
rapping about being on a boat.

(732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get
yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

(352): I just did a guy and his brother. They gave me a bottle of captain
and a key to their house. Victory?

(754): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his
toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat
leaves!"

(607): Can you cum for me in a cup, my boyfriend just came on my tits and in
my hair, I want to get him back (rec'd) DUDE, i'm his bestfriend, you know
how sick that is? (sent) please? (rec'd) come give me a blow job and you can
keep what you get out of me. (sent) deal on my way. (rec'd) got a boner
already

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

(330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad
girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

(330): Holy shit there are a ton of zombies coming for me. Meet me at taco
bell to plan a revenge asap.

(330): Is it just me or do most whores also suffer from narcolepsy?

(330): i was preparing myself to do the alphabet backwards but they didnt
make me do it.

(330): dude you missed out last night man, i was soooo hammered but i nailed
the hottest bitch ever in the middle of jakes living room while everyone was
playing kings (sent): tom said you smoked laced shit and drank the rest of
that bottle of tequila and when everyone was plying you got on the table and
started jacking off. LOL (recv'd): dude no i would remember that you fuck
(sent): tom sent me the video..



Vic

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

mofos is crazy

 

ok.754 is the best.

 

Pretty funny Vic. I have been seeing these pop up everywhere... FB and MS.

 

http://cellphonetexts.com/